Shattered Joy
by Ael L. Bolt
Summary: Short story set directly after “The Paradise Syndrome.” Kirk beams back to the Enterprise, but he’s having some problems adjusting to his “new” life. Kirk & McCoy friendship story. hc.


**Shattered Joy**  
_By Charmega_

Summary: Short story set directly after "The Paradise Syndrome." Kirk beams back to the Enterprise, but he's having some problems adjusting to his "new" life.  
Category: Sci-Fi/Angst  
Rating: PG for violence and a little bit of blood. Also knives.  
Author's Notes: I am NOT a slash writer, no matter what you think of this. I don't believe in m/m and f/f pairings. Rather, I think of Kirk, McCoy, and Spock as being more like brothers. And, thanks to William Shatner's book "Avenger," I now know that Kirk and Spock actually ARE brothers, so don't you be getting any weird ideas. Seriously, where do you people get this stuff from?

  
  
  
**Shattered Joy: A Star Trek fanfic**

_*POV: McCoy*_

"Jim?" I asked, standing in the doorway of the lodge. He had his back turned to me, still kneeling next to Miramanee. I knew by now that she had passed away, so why he still knelt there was beyond me. When he didn't answer, I repeated his name. "Jim."

"What is it, Bones?" he asked, still not moving from that spot.

"Spock and I are ready to beam up to the ship. How long before you come up?" I asked, still trying to figure out what was going on.

Jim slowly stood, and turned to me. "I might as well go now. There's nothing more I have to do here. Miramanee is gone."

I looked past him at the Native American girl. "There was something special between you two, wasn't there?" I asked, trying to make Jim meet my gaze. He refused to look up.

"Yes," he said bluntly, signaling the end of the conversation.

"You all right?" I asked as he trudged over to the doorway. I didn't get an answer, so I just followed him outside to where Spock was waiting with Nurse Chapel.

"Spock to _Enterprise_," Spock said into his communicator. "Four to beam up."

And as everything dissolved into golden light, I swear I saw Jim crying.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We materialized on the transporter pads of the _Enterprise_, and Scotty greeted us. "Glad to have ye back on board, Captain!" he said, smiling at Jim. "We really missed ye!"

I'd been around Jim long enough to tell when he was forcing a smile. "Thank you, Scotty. Glad to be back." I could tell he was trying to sound happy, but there was something else under the surface. He was hiding something. "Have you been keeping the ship in good condition?" he asked as he stepped down to the main floor.

"If it weren't for the warp drive being inoperative, aye," he replied. "We'll have to put in at Spacedock for repairs, sir. No quick patch job can fix this, as I've already told Mister Spock."

"All right then, call the bridge and give them our new course. I'm headed for my quarters," Jim said, and I could detect a note of sadness in his voice. Just what had he been through in those two months?

Jim disappeared through the sliding doors, and I exchanged a puzzled glance with Spock. "I wonder what he's hiding," I said. "The loss of that native girl really hit him hard."

"She was not the only one he has lost, Doctor," Spock said as we both walked for the doors. "He lost two people, both family."

"Family?" I asked, stunned. "Jim had a family down there?"

"It would appear so," Spock said. "During the mind meld, I discovered that Miramanee was the captain's wife. They married a few weeks after we left the planet the first time. And if she had not died, a child would have joined them a few months later."

That really rocked me. "Wow. I can't believe all that came about in two months. He'll be okay, won't he?"

"I must confess that I do not know," Spock admitted. "I am not even positive if he has all his memory. He was in fairly distressing condition when I mind melded with him. He had been in complete amnesia, unable to remember even a simple thing such as his name. The natives believed he was a god named Kirok, destined to save them from the asteroid. When I tried to force him to believe otherwise, he resisted quite strongly. I am unsure how much he remembers, because of that."

I glanced down the corridor. "I'll visit him later, see how much he remembers. You go up to the bridge until I can get him up there, all right?"

"For once, Doctor, we are in perfect agreement."

"Hmm, then maybe I should change my mind about that."

"Please be silent, Doctor McCoy."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_*POV: Kirk*_

I sat on the edge of my bed and stared dully at the wall. Miramanee, the joy in my life, was lost forever. Her unborn child, lost as well. The happiness and feeling of simply _belonging_ somewhere had been torn away, ripping my heart in two. All that I had known, all that I had believed, all that I had been was taken from me.

I felt it was McCoy and Spock's faults. If they hadn't beamed down to find me, that happiness and peacefulness could have lasted forever...couldn't it? I wasn't sure now, after feeling heavy stones beat down upon my body as I stood on the temple's base. Hearing the cries of the people denouncing me and all I had done, knowing the utter defeat and helplessness as I collapsed to the ground...It was almost too much to bear. In a way, I was angry at them for scaring away my would-be executioners. My world had shattered, my wife would die, what was left to live for?

I was confused, beyond anything I had ever known. Spock had forced knowledge upon me against my will...somehow. I don't know how he did it, some kind of mind melding...I remembered names, faces, places...but not many. I knew Scotty, my chief engineer...McCoy, the chief surgeon...Spock, the first officer and science officer...and Uhura, Sulu, and Chekov of course. I could only remember small snippets of memory; sitting in that chair, fighting battles hand-to-hand with aliens, arguing with Spock and McCoy in good fun...but not much else.

In some part of my mind, I registered the sound of my door opening and the soft footsteps on my carpet. But I didn't move from that spot, didn't speak. What was the point?

"Jim."

I sighed heavily and stared down at my boots; I was still in my native clothing so the sight somewhat comforted me. "What?" I asked, not even trying to keep the despair from my tone.

"I...I'm sorry about Miramanee. She must have meant a lot to you." Each word was like a knife to my heart. "She didn't deserve to die."

Tears welled up in my eyes and I desperately tried to hold them back. "You're not making this any better, Bones." I surprised myself at the shakiness with which I spoke. Overwhelming grief and remorse pounded in my soul. My head hurt. "If anything, I deserved to die alongside her. She did nothing wrong, and I did."

"Jim, don't talk that way!" McCoy sounded horrified. "You did what you thought was right, you shouldn't die for that!"

I finally looked up to him, a shiver of fear shaking my shoulders. "Are you sure?"

He didn't answer my question. "Jim, you've been under a lot of stress. I think you should get some sleep, try to rest a little. Grieving is perfectly normal, and everyone will respect that." I almost smiled half-heartedly at his pathetic attempt to change the subject.

Suddenly I felt more tired than I had ever been. Coming down from a rush of adrenaline I never knew I had, the sting of Miramanee's death like a slap in the face had dulled to the point where exhaustion took over. "You know, I don't think that's a bad idea," I admitted, surprised to hear my voice slur a little with fatigue. I couldn't seem to keep my eyes open, let alone see straight.

Vaguely, I could feel someone laying me down on my back on my bed. I hated being held like a child, but at that point I was too tired to fight back even if I had cared. The cushions felt softer than ever, the power of sleep beckoning irresistably. I tumbled into cool, forgiving black and all sensation ceased.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_"You lied to us!"_

"You are no god!"

"Surely a legend can do more than that!"

Faces swirled around me, accusing, throwing stones. They pummeled me physically and emotionally, as well as my wife at my side.

"Miramanee!" I wailed in despair.

"Kirok!"

Let me die with her, strangers! No! Those memories...not mine...!__

"MIRAMANEE!" Help me...

Loss...confusion...pain...let me die...please...__

"Die, Kirok!"

  
"JIM!"

I awoke, gasping for breath as I shook all over. I looked up into the face of one of them, those who had taken me away from Miramanee. Those who had not let me die with my wife, those who had forced memories upon me and taken my happiness!

With a cry of blind rage, I leaped up and drew my knife from its boot sheath. "NO!" I screamed, more of a gutteral snarl. I would avenge her death by killing this one...McCoy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_*POV: McCoy*_

I stared at Jim's knife, and in some back part of my mind I wondered where he had gotten it. But the rest of me was wondering why he had become so angry after I woke him from an obvious nightmare. He seemed furious, angry at me for some reason I couldn't understand...

And then I had to snap out of my musings as the stone blade swiped at me, a surprising amount of force being put behind it. I had to leap back to avoid being impaled on the knife, and as I did so I caught a flash of Jim's expression. There was no recognition there, nothing but rage.

"Jim! What the hell are you doing?" I demanded, trying to evade his primitive weapon. "Have you lost your mind?!"

He didn't answer in words, only an animal scream of fury as he threw the knife at me. I ducked and felt the wind of it graze my cheek, then heard it imbedd itself in the bulkhead. I barely had time to stand before I was tackled to the carpet by Jim, and only then did I realize he was truly trying to kill me. And I knew that, with all Jim's skill and experience, I wouldn't survive his attack.

"Jim, listen to me!" I hissed as he punched me in the face. "I'm not your enemy, I'm your friend! Please, stop!"

Jim leaped to his feet, whirled around, and began grinding a fist into the wall instead. He pounded away, and I could actually see the plasteel start to buckle under the assault. He screamed, again and again, in a murderous rage.

I slowly got to my feet, wiping blood from my split lip and wondering what the hell I was supposed to do. I watched him take out his anger on the bulkhead, and noticed that his bruised and bleeding hand was beginning to hit with less force. Looking carefully, I could see tears streaming down his face. Not in physical pain, but emotional. He was too deep in grief to even register physical pain as he beat his hand into a bloody pulp.

I moved behind him and held his arm away from the wall, surprised at how easy it was to keep him from hurting himself even further. When he had been strong just a moment ago, he was as weak as a child now. "Please Jim, stop! You're hurting yourself!" I pleaded, holding him back from striking the wall again.

His knees gave out and he fell to the carpet, tears flowing freely now. Broken-hearted sobs shook his body as I tried to comfort him, but he didn't even acknowledge my presence. He desperately needed a friend.

"It's all right now, Jim," I said, softer now. "You're safe, on the _Enterprise_. You're home, with us."

His sobs eventually quieted to whimpers, and he finally seemed to come back to the present. "Bones?" he asked, voice hoarse from screaming his throat raw. He cradled his injured hand close to his chest, shudders of pain finally appearing. "What...?"

"It's okay, Jim. You're safe."

He made an effort to raise his head, letting me see the haunted look in his eyes. I didn't even want to know what his nightmare had been, the one that he had reacted so violently to. He was an emotional wreck, inside and out.

"Come on, let's get you to Sickbay and fix up that hand," I offered, lending a steadying arm to him as he tried to stand.

"Okay." He was exhausted, that much was obvious. I wasn't sure if he would ever get over Miramanee's death. I wondered if he would ever be his old self again.

It must have been quite the sight, us walking down the corridors. Me, the doctor, supporting the injured and crying Captain who was still in his Native American clothing. We certainly drew more than a few stares, but everyone found something other to do in a hurry after I glared at them with the intensity of a focused phaser beam.

The doors to Sickbay whooshed open, and I glanced at Jim. I had never, EVER seen him cry before, let alone seen him in any kind of despair. Miramanee had been more than just another girlfriend to him, and now that she was gone I wasn't sure if he would ever be happy again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

_*POV: Kirk*_

"Name, rank, serial number."

I sighed, bored with the tests. "James T. Kirk, Captain, SC 937-0176 CEC."

"Current assignment?"

"_U.S.S. Enterprise_, NCC-1701. Bones, is this all really necessary?" I asked as McCoy wrapped my hand in a cloth bandage. "Couldn't you just let me look it up in the computer database? It's not MY fault if I can't remember most of our missions."

"No, it's not, but we need you to get all your memories back. This ship needs its captain, with no amnesia at all." He finished with my hand and I held it up for inspection. Looked sort of like a type of cast used for broken bones in the twentieth century, and indeed that was what it was for. McCoy had told me that I had fractured three bones in my right hand, and dislocated two fingers along with massive bruising. The whole thing would take weeks to heal.

I was actually surprised I knew that much about twenty-third century technology.

"How long before I can get back up on the bridge where I belong?" I asked, carefully setting my hand down on the table. In doing so I accidentally bumped it, and burning pain spiked up my arm for a split second. I forced down any signs of pain immediately, not wanting to be babied.

"Well, if your memory comes back as quickly as I expect, it could be less than a week. But there's also the chance it might take as much as six months," he answered. "If you're worried about Spock, don't bother. He can handle it."

"I wasn't worried about Spock," I said distractedly. "I just want everything to be back the way it was...in one way or another." The _Enterprise_ or Miramanee, I didn't care which. Preferably the latter, though it was impossible.

"Jim..." His voice faltered, and as I looked up I could see the indescision written all over his face. "Back in your room, after I woke you up...why were you trying to kill me?"

I shuddered. "I don't know. I think...in my nightmare, you and Spock killed Miramanee...and wouldn't let me die with her. I don't know why, but that made me so angry. I grabbed my hunting knife out of habit, and then...well, you know what happened." I really didn't remember much past that part, except savage feelings of rage and murderous intentions.

"You sure did do a lot of damage while we were in there," McCoy commented. "The wall will have to be replaced, after getting all that blood off of it, and the knife hole in the other wall will need to be filled. By golly, you're strong when you're mad."

I looked down at my bandaged hand. "I certainly would say so."

He was silent for a few moments. "You need rest, Jim. You've been doing who-knows-what for two months down there with those people, and on top of it all you've seriously hurt yourself. I'd prefer it if you'd stay in Sickbay for observation tonight."

I automatically opened my mouth to object, then remembered what state my quarters were probably in. I hadn't really noticed, and couldn't remember exactly what I had done. I wasn't sure if I _wanted_ to remember.

"All right," I said. "For one night. I hope it takes Maintainance less time than that to fix the damage in my quarters." My hand ached sympathetically as I spoke. I felt so confused. The words I spoke were out of habit, the people I spoke of distant in memory. I felt like I was in an alien place, with no friends. I still didn't quite trust McCoy-

_Stop it,_ I admonished myself. _McCoy is a friend...he's a doctor. They heal people, not hurt._ But then why did the seperation ache so badly in my heart? Why did I feel as though I had been betrayed by someone I thought was my friend? _Was_ he truly a friend, or was he lying to me?

"Jim?" his voice cut through my thoughts, snapping me back into the present.

"Hmm?" I asked, finally looking up. He was giving me an undecipherable look that I assumed meant he was worried or concerned about me.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I sighed noisily. That question was beginning to get on my nerves. "Yes, I'm fine. I just need to get some sleep, I guess." I hesitated, remembering the strange dreams that had haunted me for all my time with Miramanee's people. The dreams would unsettle me every night, causing even less rest than before. I had to ask. "Bones?"

"What is it, Jim?" He knew something was up.

I couldn't figure out just what to say. I finally decided on a direct approach. "I've been having nightmares lately...and I don't know how to get them to stop. If I go to sleep..."

He seemed to understand instantly what was troubling me. "Don't worry. I'll give you a sedative that'll block out any nightmare that tries to show itself while you sleep."

I felt so relieved. "Thanks."

"No problem, Jim."

~ ~ ~ One Week Later ~ ~ ~

_"Captain's Log: Stardate...well, it doesn't really matter anymore. I've finally been released from Sickbay by Doctor McCoy after extensive psychological examination. I will never forget what happened down on that planet, but I must resume my duties as Captain of the _Enterprise_. I only wish my happiness could have lasted a bit longer. End log."_

The turbolift doors whooshed open, and I stepped onto the bridge for the first time in over two months. The instant my boots touched the deck, Spock removed himself from my chair and turned to face me. "Captain on the bridge," he announced to all those who had not turned around already.

"Welcome back, Captain!" Lieutenant Uhura said happily.

"How are you feeling, Captain?" Sulu asked, and I noticed that he kept glancing down at my bandaged hand. Evidently Doctor McCoy hadn't told them about my little...lapse of control. For that, I was immensly grateful.

"I'm doing much better, thank you for asking," I replied, looking over all my officers that were assembled on the bridge. All of them, with the obvious exception of Spock, were smiling at least a little. I smiled back, and sat down in my chair. "What is our current status?"

And with that, everything went back to normal. Sulu turned around to check his console. "We are on course for Starbase 47, ETA one point three days at present speed."

Satisfied with the report, I leaned back and watched my officers resume duty stations. It felt wonderful to be back in that chair, giving orders and watching the stars fly by on the viewscreen. Besides, it helped me keep my mind off Miramanee for most of the time. McCoy told me the pain of loss would lessen in time, and over the week it had dulled to the point where it no longer hurt me so badly. But the feeling wasn't gone yet. I still felt the hole in my heart that could never be repaired or replaced. How I longed for everything to be chaotic, to take my mind off her completely.

"Sir! A Klingon bird-of-prey has just dropped out of warp!" Sulu shouted, and red alert sounded. "They are charging weapons!"

I leaned forward in my chair, ignoring my useless hand. An unexpected feeling of excitement ripped through me, and I found myself smiling. Everything was back to normal. I was back in the center of chaos, facing death. All or nothing.

Just the way I like it.

  
  
  
  
  
The End.

Story idea copyrighted by Charmega, _Star Trek_ and all related characters copyright of Paramount and whoever else owns them. I'm not making any money off this story, and neither will you so don't try to copy it. I swear, you're all Ferengi in disguise...or maybe Borg. Eh, who knows?

"We are the Fanfiction authors. You will review this story. Lower your cursor and type in the box. We will add your kind and caring comments to our reviews. Resistance is futile. Flames are irrelevant. You will be a-silly-ated." ô_ó <----- Spock eyebrow thingie! Whee! ...Yes, I need to get a life. A real one, that is.


End file.
